I Miss Me.

Hey it’s me, again.
So let’s get seated for today’s topic: ”I hate college”.
That’s not the topic btw but somehow, it is. Since I’m going to talk about my school today, a lot of it is compared to my college. And that somehow makes the college bad in my eyes.

So first let me tell you about my school.
It’s Jawahar Navodaya Vidyalaya, Chandrapur. It’s a central government residential school for rural children and blah blah blah.
In simple words, from Class 6 onwards, you basically live there. Hostel, school, friends, teachers, food, fights, everything. For seven years, that place becomes your entire world.
Sometimes I randomly miss that place.
Not the classes. Definitely not the exams. And absolutely not waking up at 5:15 AM.
I miss… me.
And I think most of the things I miss aren’t really things. They’re versions of me.
Like I was so careless and free in school. I didn’t have to think about my career every other day. I wasn’t constantly comparing myself to others. And I definitely didn’t care how others saw me.

I became friends with others just by simply sitting next to them. Being with someone for 7 years straight kinda built the trust with them.
I spent countless afternoons doing completely pointless things and never once felt guilty. Actually, there was nothing to feel guilty. I could just be me.
And bad day in school was mostly about some notebook checking.
I remember this incident: Our Hindi teacher didn’t like to check notebooks. So he checked them only twice a year. And while checking, he literally used to beat boys. I had first-hand experience on that. I remember how he slapped me on my face, and then on head. But I don’t hate that now. And weirdly, I loved the attention.
Everyone wanted to know what happened. Everyone asked me about it. It was the hot topic of the day.
I know that sounds weird. Maybe it was.
Ok enough about me being beaten. I was trying to make the point that even unpleasant memories can become nostalgic memories. Atleast for me.

Now I’m going to talk about Friendships in School.
that was weirdly effortless. I saw the same people basically 24/7. We used to sit together, eat together, complain about teachers, share notes, make jokes, and at the end of the day call that friendship.

Then college happens.
Suddenly everyone has different schedules, different branches, different friend groups, different priorities. Now I have to actually make plans to see them.
In school, friendship was basically a default setting. I didn’t have to ask someone to hang out. Even asking for a notebook made the friendship good. Everyone was connected to each other in hostel so I never really felt like ‘I had to make the friends’. They basically were my friends.

Not that the college is bad, but it adds that extra effort in friendships that many people avoid. And maybe that’s why everyone has a bestfriend from school. And talking about bestfriends, I got pretty lucky. I have really good guys helping me emotionally. Thank you to them.

And then I remember younger Ujwal. He used to love Origami.
Not because it was cool or anything, but because he thought it was worth some time. He loved what he loved. He used to say some stupid things and not care how it landed. He made friends without wondering whether they actually liked him. He tried things without worrying about whether he’d be good at them. He failed many times but got up and started again. And he definitely didn’t spend three days overthinking about some friends like I do. He was great.

And now, me, the older Ujwal. He’s more self aware. So much that he started self-monitoring. All those people in college think I don’t talk much. Little do they know how much I talk in my head. I judge myself before others and maybe that’s why I feel so different than my younger self.
Growing up has made me understand some things, even myself, better. But sometimes I think it has also made me watch myself too much.

Now that I talked about all this, there comes a question.
Do I want to go back? The answer is NO.
I don’t actually want to become 16 again. If I got a time machine, I’d probably go back a day before and submit my Data Structures Lab Manual.
I like having my freedom. I like being able to decide where I go, what I learn, what I build, what I write and what I do with my time.
Then what exactly do I want?
I want to be curious again without needing a reason.
I want to make things just because I can.
I want to laugh at stupid things.
I want to make friends without wondering where the friendship is going.
I want to keep my old self in me.

So yeah, I miss the person I was in school.
But I don’t think I want him back.
I just want to keep a little bit of him with me.
Maybe I don't actually miss school.
Maybe I just miss me.

So, younger Ujwal, thank you.
Thank you for being you.